Husband And Wife Jokes

Lady 1: Last week you had advertised in the newspaper for a husband. Any luck with it?
Lady 2: I got two hundred people who said, "You can have mine".

Lady 1: I think my husband is cheating on me.
Lady 2: How did you conclude that?
Lady 1: My last two children don't resemble him at all.

Husband: Enough is enough. We already have four kids and I will go bankrupt and broke if I have to support a fifth one. I will put a revolver to my head if that happens.
Wife: But dear, you will be killing an innocent man.

They sat by the candlelight having dinner in the luxury restaurant.
He said: "Wine does a lot of things. It makes you look beautiful, charming and attractive".
She said: "but dear, I haven't been drinking"
He said: "I know, but I have been".

Wife woke up her husband in the middle of the night and told him, "Dear, there seems to be a burglar in the house. Wake up."
But her husband refused to go out and investigate.
Wife: "Why are you scared? I thought you were brave when you married me"
Husband: "Well yes, that's what my friends said too."

Husband and Wife Jokes
Out in the park one Sunday afternoon, an elderly couple heard the brass band playing a catchy tune and wondered what it might be called. The man noticed a sign close to the bandstand and said " It looks as though they list the tune titles there- I'll go and look". He returned and his wife asked what it was. " One I don't know - it's called refrain from dropping litter".

Do you know I cleaned the loft with my wife last weekend. I still can't get the dust out of her hair.

An elderly man pondered whether his wifes hearing was deteriorating. One night he crept up behind the sofa where she was seated and said " Darling, can you hear anything?". No response. So he moved a bit closer and asked her again. Still no response. He then moved right up to her ear and asked again. She shouted "For the third damn time Albert, yes I can hear you".

My wife has never really thought much of me. Only the other night she turned to
me and said "George, do you know that you are stopping some small village
having an idiot".

After 40 years of marriage, I took my wife to a hotel room where they had a
waterbed - or as she called it the following morning "the Dead Sea".

My wife and I were having a difference of opinion the other day. After about ten
minutes, she turned to me and uttered " But darling, if I were to agree with what
you say, then we would both be in the wrong".

A man and his wife were on the Titanic as it was sinking and just the one life
jacket remained. " I love you so much Doris that I will think of you often" - as
he put on the jacket and jumped into the sea.

Hilarious Husband and Wife Jokes
Remember, if a man steals your wife, the best revenge that you can have is to let him
keep her.

Question: Why is it that after they get married, a husband and wife are like two sides of a coin.
Answer: Because although they cannot bear to face one another, they remain together.

My wife and I had words the other night. Well, I had words; She had paragraphs.

Bill and Alice were celebrating 60 years of marriage. When Bill was asked by a friend for the secret of their long marriage he replied " We have always taken the time to go to a lovely restaurant twice a week. Good food, a little candlelight, fine wine, soft music and some dancing. " "Thats wonderful" said the friend.
Bill retorted "Yes, I go Wednesday's and she goes Friday's"

My Grandparents were celebrating 55 years of marriage and so I asked my Grandpa
what the secret was. He replied "Two things son. Number one is whenever you are in the wrong, admit it and second, Whenever you are right, say nothing".

Question: What is the best way to ensure that you remember your wife's birthday?
Answer: Forget it once.

Bill and Ted were chatting in the pub. Bill said " Ted, have you any idea what I did before I married Eileen?" No, what ". " Whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted" sighed Bill.

Two old guys chatting in the park. "Do you know the wife and me were happy for forty years" said the first man. "What happened?" asked the second man. "We met" sighed the first.

Short Husband Wife Jokes
Bert and Madge have been married for 60 years and still hold hands whenever
they go out. When Bert was asked about this, his reply was simple.
" When I let go, she's off shopping".

My wife said that she would like to go somewhere where she had not been for a
long time for her birthday "What about the kitchen" I cried.

A husband and wife are having an argument. " I do not hate your relatives; I tell
you I prefer your in-laws to mine" he said.

"My wife went on holiday to the Caribbean for the first time last year" I told my
friend. "Jamaica" he quizzed. "No, it was her idea" I replied.

A Policeman asked if my wife could describe the burglar.
"He was medium build with a beard and a slight limp" she replied.
"Was it male or female" asked the Policeman
She replied " I would hazard a guess at male unless the Circus has hit town".

My wife asked me the other day "How can I can rid of twelve pounds of really ugly fat?" "Chop your head off" I replied. The divorce hearing is next week.

Husband Wife Marriage Jokes
I was driving home the other night and stopped to pick up a hitch-hiker. As we
travelled along, my passenger noticed a brown paper bag on the back seat. "What
do you have in that bag" asked the man. "It's a fine bottle of wine for my wife".
He replied "Excellent swap".

My wife told me the other day that she had a new job working in a bowling club.
"Tenpin" I asked her "No, its' full-time" came her reply.

I went to the supermarket with my wife last week and bought some cheese from
the deli. She said to me "Ooh, I see you've bought some of that Armageddon
cheese". Puzzled I said to her "Why do you think I've bought Armageddon cheese"?
"Because it says 'Best Before End' on the side of the packet of course"

Husband and Wife Jokes
My wife came home last week and shouted excitedly. "Quick, pack your bags;
I've won £20 million on the National Lottery". "Where are we going" I asked.
She replied "what's this we – just pack your bags and get out you useless man".

A man on his deathbed calls over his wife of 60 years. "Alice" he gasps "my
dying wish is that after six months of my passing, you marry Bert from next door".
"But you said that you have always hated Bert" said Alice.
"O I do dear, I do".
My wife greeted me as I entered the house. I had been drinking so there was the
smell of lager on my breath and unknown to me, also some lipstick on my shirt
collar. "I hope that you have an extremely good reason for rolling in at seven in
the morning" she bellowed. "Of course I do "I replied "I want some breakfast".

Husband & Wife